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My stoma acceptance journey
Having had two stomas, I have had two very different acceptance journeys. I didn’t ever accept my first stoma, you could say I tolerated it and learned to live with it, but I don’t think I ever accepted it.
There were many factors leading to not accepting my first stoma. I couldn’t understand why I had to have one and I didn’t know anyone else with a stoma for a long time, so I felt very different. I struggled and believed I had to hide my bag from everyone, I was so scared I would be bullied at school.
During my 10 years of being reversed I realised that every symptom I was putting up with was much worse than all the things that used to bother me when I had a stoma.
Prior to returning to stoma life, I did have some negative comments about how a bag would affect my life, one I particularly remember was someone asking why I would want one and once I got one how would I ever find someone to marry me. This comment made me realise that I was never the problem, but it was the worry that other people wouldn’t accept it and their attitude towards it.
Getting a stoma isn’t easy for anyone, even those who choose to get one. It is a huge life change and often can feel like a grieving period for the life you had beforehand. I have had times I grieve for what I could have had, I don’t know what life could have been like without a bag with a full amount of bowel.
When I woke up from my most recent surgery, I just had a sense of relief. I didn’t even have to accept my second stoma; I just knew it was a part of me and I had my life back. I was so excited to try out new bags and products and I couldn’t wait to finally get a photo with my bag showing, (there are no photos at all with my previous stoma bag).
I find it easier to tell people I have a stoma now. Being different is celebrated now whereas 13-year-old me did everything they could to be ‘normal’.
I have found it much easier to accept a stoma than to accept a life where I have accidents after not making it to the toilet on time and a life where I am in pain. Don’t get me wrong, it can still be really challenging mentally but most of the time I am very grateful.
My advice
My biggest advice would be to enjoy life, there is so much you can still do with a stoma, don’t let it hold you back. Admittedly it does take some adaptation and days out can take slightly more planning but don’t over complicate it. Some days you will get caught out, but you will learn to laugh and adapt quickly.
Hiding my bag for so many years didn’t help me, I haven’t had any negative comments at all since getting my stoma two years ago and this just shows how much of this way of life is mental. I learned how empowering it can be to speak to others with stomas and how much this can help to raise awareness, you would be surprised at how many people close to you know someone who has had a stoma.
I was very lucky as looking at my stoma and changing my bag did not frighten me but if this is something you are worried about then just take your time, the stoma nurses are there to help until you feel comfortable changing your bag yourself.
Everyone is different and everyone will react differently to having a stoma and that’s okay. Let me just say it is okay to not accept your stoma, I didn’t for 13 years, and I never feel guilty for it. Nothing could have made me accept my first stoma, trust me we tried EVERYTHING! I now accept my stoma second time around after seeing the alternative option and I had to go through a lot in my 10 years of reversal to get to this stage. I still don’t accept what happened to me causing me to have a stoma, mentally I still have some way to go with that, but I accept it is on my body and I embrace my life now and all the good things a stoma has given me.